Part Two: Uphill Climb

For part two of this series we are going to explore the darkest point of my life. I hope that no judgement will be placed on me for what I'm going to talk about in detail...but to each his own. You remember when I talked about our brokenness? This is my true brokenness. Some of it so personal, I never thought I'd be telling you about it.

About two years ago I would have these odd thoughts pop into my head. I couldn't shake them. All I'm going to tell you is that they were strange and so far from who I am as a person that they would send me into a spiral. I began to obsess over these thoughts. Did this mean I was a bad person? What did God think of this? Why was this happening? It was the most terrifying thing I have ever been through. It sent me down a road of deep depression, anxiety, and obsession. I couldn't stop thinking about it. My brain was in overdrive, constantly going. I couldn't sleep and couldn't eat. At one point I lost 10 pounds. I thought I was going insane. The brain is a powerful thing isn't it?

Have you ever heard of Sisyphus? He was a sinner in Greek mythology who was condemned to Tartarus. He was to spend an eternity rolling a boulder uphill watching it roll back down again. He repeated this over and over, never being able to keep the boulder at the top. That is what I felt like. One day I was doing fine, then an intrusive thought again. Suddenly I was in this hole, consumed by anxiety and depression.

I felt like I was surrounded by walls...all closing in on me. The very life I was living suffocated me. I had to force a smile when I was holding back tears. I couldn't see past the pain. I convinced myself that there was no hope, no life ahead of me, and absolutely no way out. I thought God would leave me like that, that this was just life and I had to endure it. I was mad at Him. Why would he leave me like this? Why couldn't he just pull me out? It wasn't me, not really. How could I live my life like this when it kept me from utilizing what God has given me? Was He listening?

 My faith was shattered and torn. I was in the pit, the worst I had ever been. I didn't want to spend my life like that and began to wonder what my options were. My breaking point finally came. I had to do something. I was tired of crying my eyes out and screaming at the top of my lungs. I didn't want to break down in my car anymore, pleading and begging God to take it away. I wasn't in a position to be patient or trusting because my head space was faulty. I sat in my own personal cell of hopelessness and despair, hiding it from my friends and family in Christ. Nobody could know. Finally, we went to see some professionals. I was diagnosed with OCD, specifically Pure O-CD. Crazy right?

So...what happens next? I guess you'll have to stick around. God Bless, Kendall Roberts.