My Narrative

"The author François de la Rochefoucauld wrote, “We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves.”

I am a very complicated individual.

I am a realist and have a hard time looking on the bright side.
I tend to think worst-case-scenario. 
And although you'd think I'm a glass-half-empty, I'm actually just a glass-half-filled-to-the-middle. 
And despite my tendency to be hard on myself, I am capable of giving really good advice, because intrinsically I know that I have survived 100% of my worst days and that means that there is always hope. 

I have been through things. 
And even though the bruises, stitches, staples, glue, and broken arm were just mundane little accidents, they prepared me for the future.
They prepared me for the 2nd and 3rd degree burns, epilepsy, anxiety, depression, and OCD, which managed to break me down into an unrecognizable, inoperative human being.
But then they built me up, because now I can say "I have been through worse".

I am a trooper. 
It was through all of those struggles that I found out how to relate to the pain of others. 
I can share my story openly, without much hesitation. 
It's better to be honest, than to pretend you can't relate. That person might need your story as much as you need to share it. 

I love children, but I don't want kids.
My epilepsy and mental health struggles could be genetic. 
How would I feel if my kid developed my condition/s? 
Also, the 3 different medications I'm on could pose a threat to the child...and if I'm not on them...well that's a danger to me.
So when you tell me I will change my mind...I want to tell you that it's unlikely.

I am insecure. 
Like most people, there are things about myself I don't like. 
Lately, I doubt my intelligence. 
Lately, I doubt my own capabilities.
Lately, I doubt that someone will accept me at my current weight because I think I was cuter in High School.
Lately, I doubt. 
But I choose not to doubt God's faith in me. 
I choose not to doubt His plan for me. 

I'm very indecisive.
It'll take me an hour to pick out a movie and then I'll end up falling asleep.

My favorite color changes but is currently yellow.
I don't have a favorite genre of music, so when someone asks me what I listen to, I say a little bit of everything.
My favorite movie changes on a monthly basis.

I am hypocritical at times and maybe even a little judgmental.
I hold grudges too and I know that's wrong. 
I care too much and too little, depending on the situation.
I get disappointed easily when others let me down.
I have high expectations, and I've yet to figure out if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

I've hurt people, intentionally and unintentionally.
And I regret them both. 

I am scared to take risks because I am too comfortable in what is familiar.
This is due, in part, to people having preconceived ideas about who I am. 
People assume I'm not the "sporty" type, but I once scored seven 3-pointers in a row just because a basketball coach assumed I wasn't any good. 
I chose not to play because he told me I shouldn't. 
I still regret not trying. 
So when you think that I'm just academic-minded, please give me time to prove I'm more.

People assume I'm spoiled and soft. 
But I can shoot guns and help my dad skin a deer. 
I can have a seizure and pick myself up.
My depression will kick in and my body will ache, but I'll pick myself up.

I love driving through town with my windows down and the music up.
I love fall.
I hate the heat.
I don't tan very well (my version of tan is everyone else's version of white). 
I can cook like nobody's business, but I don't like to cook for other people because I'm too critical of myself.

I'm serious, but I can be funny.
I'm not naturally bubbly or smiley, but when I'm confident in myself, I'm a completely different person.

I say things I shouldn't when angry. 
I've said things about people and when it got out, I was embarrassed, mortified, and wished I could take it back. 
And then I learned.

I choose to expect the worst out of situations and from people so I won't be disappointed. 
The truth is, I'm usually a little disappointed anyway.

I'm a perfectionist and a control freak.
I'd rather do it all myself and get it right, then let someone else help and get it only partly right. 

I procrastinate. 

I want to travel the world and take pictures of it all. 

I look back at pictures from High School and kick myself for thinking I was fat when I weighed 130 pounds.
So here's a tip: appreciate where you are now. 
And when someone who cares about you tells you you're not fat...try your best to believe them. 

I love to roller-skate.
And I'm pretty good at it. 
I love to sing.
I used to do it all the time, but now mostly in church.
I love photography.
I am not a huge sports fan, unless it's my home town.
Not a math person.
I reminisce on the past much more than I look forward to the future. 
I've been single for 20 years, almost 21.
I used to collect bugs, but now they freak me out. 
I only eat ketchup with fries and it has to have half a shaker of pepper in it. 
I've only been on one date in my entire life. 
I have not and will never drink alcohol.
I love to argue...I mean, have intelligent, civil discussions. 

There are a lot of things that I'm not. 
But I'm loyal.
If I care about you, I'll always have your back.
I stick to my guns.
My morals and beliefs aren't things to be compromised.
I love my family.
I love God.
And I say "I love you" more than most people would. 
I know that I'm smart, even if right now I don't feel like it. 
I know it takes a while to figure me out. 
Inside my rough exterior there is a person who cares about things too much.
I notice the little things and expect other people to notice them too.
I hold on too tight. But I'd rather care until it hurts, then not care at all. 

Don't feel like you're alone in your complexity. The best way to discover more about the human condition is to look inside yourself first. You are a contributing factor to human nature. So, if you ever feel like the way you operate and think is beyond comprehension...you're wrong. There will always be two things that tie you to someone else. You are not alone in your tendency to be misunderstood. And you're a child of God, which means you have a purpose. Use your gifts for His good and you will feel understood and loved beyond measure. God knows who you are and He still loves you. So, change what needs to be changed according to His word, but don't ever think that He won't love you until you're perfect, because that isn't the way God operates. 

Stop Empowering the Past

We all know the verse. Romans 3:23, "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God," (NKJV). No matter how many times you've heard this verse, the meaning still carries relevance. We have all made mistakes. We have all sinned. The question is, how do you move on from those mistakes which seem to alter your life? Guilt and regret are powerful emotions. Ones that could eat us up from the inside if we let them. But, how will you use those emotions? To help you go down a different road or to prohibit you from moving forward in God's grace?

I've made some tremendous mistakes. Embarrassing mistakes. And I know that I am not alone in this. But with all the mistakes that I've made, I have somehow managed to learn how to move forward. This learning process took place by taking into account the advice of older and wiser individuals and through the knowledge gained by sitting in a counselor's office. So here's some thoughts from a 20 year old girl who continues to mess up, someone who continues to fall short, but also someone who knows that God's grace is available to those who choose to take hold of it.

Your starting point is coming to terms with the mistake. In other words...

• Have you recognized the fault in the sin? I'm sure you have or you wouldn't be calling it a mistake. 
• Have you asked for forgiveness? I hope the answer is yes. The most important step in moving forward is to confess your sin to God and ask forgiveness for it. There is no true healing without honesty and vulnerability. 
• Accept that there is no changing the past, which leads to knowing that you don't have to keep reliving it. There is no use in steeping in shame and guilt when:

1. You have already come to terms with the sin and mistake you've made. 
2. God grants forgiveness.

Guilt is debilitating. So now it's time to move forward. Forgive yourself. The key to this is to stop replaying that sin over and over. Stop letting it control you. This exercise I'm about to mention has been very helpful for me. Embracing God's grace and forgiveness is hard to do when you can't stop blaming yourself. So, every time you find yourself focusing on it, picture the cross and its power instead. Imagine that you put that sin away in a closet. Every time you go to open the door...picture the cross and the sacrifice He made for you. The sacrifice that atones for all your sins and mistakes. Focus on His forgiveness.

This last part is what is most telling of what is in one's heart. The turning point. What will you do with your life now that you've accepted what cannot be changed? Now that you've hopefully forgiven yourself for what is in the past, how do you take a turn for the better? 

• Start by making an effort to turn away from what is keeping you shackled to that mistake. Whether that be specific environments, friends/relationships, or reminders you find through social media.
• Get involved in your church group. Reach out to someone and let them know you need accountability and let them know that you want to make a difference in your life. You don't have to share all of your feelings and struggles right off the bat if you don't want to, but just know that there is usually someone who will listen if you do decide to do that. 
• Choose to rid your life of the things that pull you back into a pattern of sin. If that means you have to cut out social media, end a toxic relationship/friendship, or rely on someone to help you choose Christ over the world...then do it. 

Here's the thing. Coming to terms with your human nature, with your brokenness...is difficult. But once you understand that God already knows you in your entirety...and still offers grace and forgiveness, you can live freely in Christ's sacrifice. Don't let your mistakes determine what path you follow. Instead, determine the path you follow because of your mistakes. Either become a prisoner to your guilt and shame...or learn from it. It's up to you.

Giving the past power over you keeps you from fulfilling your purpose. I believe God has a plan for those who choose to follow His will. So, stop empowering your past and start investing in your future.

Here are some verses to help you in your race:

1. 1 John 1:9
2. Psalm 86:5
3. Colossians 3:13
4. Isaiah 43:25
5. Acts 3:19
6. Isaiah 1:18
7. 2 Corinthians 5:17
8. Ephesians 1:7
9. Hebrews 10:17
10. Daniel 9:9
11. Psalm 103:12

Part Three: Finish the Race

Before you proceed, I encourage you to read the two previous posts. They provide the foundation for this conclusion. So now you've heard my sob stories! I'll be honest, I was VERY hesitant to share with you, especially Part Two. After going through both deeply saddening and possibly depressing parts of this series, you've finally reached the end. This is where it all ties up.

So first let's address Part One.

 Like I previously stated, I'm still working on finding my worth by God's standards. I don't feel like I've let myself accept my Epilepsy to the full extent, but I'm working on it. I still consider it an uninvited guest. BUT, I know that I can use it for good. Don't let something unsettling and unfair define you. It's hard, I know, because I'm still inching forward bit by bit. When you realize that the world's standards are a lie, you can finally accept the truth that is God's standards. It's not physicality, but spirituality. If you have something happening in your life you feel is unfair or if it's something that upsets the balance of your life and your plans, remember this. 

• Cling to family and friends. Know that the people who truly love you will not care what baggage you have, they will show Christ-like love, understanding, and (if it applies) forgiveness. 
• Take your time, it may require lots of it. Don't let anyone make you feel you have to get over it by tomorrow. 
• Don't let it make you bitter. If you let it, this trial can steal your happiness, self-confidence, and comfort. It's alright to be upset, but don't let it rob you of joy.
• Repeat these verses: Psalm 139:14-16, Philippians 4:19, Proverbs 3:5-6.

Now let's move on to Part Two.

As I said before, I went to see some professionals and was diagnosed with OCD. They put me on medication and, luckily, we got it right the first time. I was so hesitant to take pills because there was such a stigma surrounding the simple idea of taking them. So yes, I am taking pills for my mental health and you know what? I'm glad. I am so so so thankful God led me through. Despite my anger and impatience and constant doubt, He showed me that He will deliver on HIS time...not mine. So if you're going through something tough and you think you can't do it or make it...remember...I'VE BEEN THERE. Please hear me when I say that I HAVE BEEN THERE. I thought my life was over and that my future was filled with the darkness I was surrounded with. Don't EVER give up. If you think getting help or seeing a doctor means you're crazy...you're wrong. It was the best thing I could've ever done. I still see a counselor (also one of the best things I've ever done). I still have checkups. And I love my life again.

• Get help. If you need help...get some help. Whether it's seeking out a friend or family member you can trust, or a mental health professional, just take a chance and seek it out.
• Remember you are not alone. You are not the only person on the face of this earth who has dealt with what you're dealing with. Keep that in mind. 
• God knows and understands everything. He understands how hard it is. Ecclesiastes 1:9.
• He never said it would be easy, but faith is everything. Your faith may not be big, it actually may be small, but faith as small as a mustard seed can move mountains. Matthew 17:20.
• It's OK to fall apart. It's OK to break down, just don't let it take everything away from you. You have to maintain some sort of strength to move forward.
• You're going to feel alone and scared. You're will doubt everything, but God doesn't doubt you. You can get through if you let yourself trust Him. Obey Him and keep him first in your struggles. Doing that will allow God to show you His grace and power. 
• Read Psalm 46:1-3, Proverbs 18:10, Nehemiah 8:10, Isaiah 41:10, Exodus 15:2, Psalm 9:9-10, Psalm 32:7-8, Deuteronomy 31:8.
• Read the Bible. Read the Bible. Read the Bible!

I want you to know that you can do it. You may not be able to see past it and that may not feel OK, but sometimes you have to feel your way through that dark until you find the light again. I love you. God loves you. If you need to talk, I'm here. Message me through Facebook or through my email : karoberts98@gmail.com. God Bless, Kendall Roberts.

Part Two: Uphill Climb

For part two of this series we are going to explore the darkest point of my life. I hope that no judgement will be placed on me for what I'm going to talk about in detail...but to each his own. You remember when I talked about our brokenness? This is my true brokenness. Some of it so personal, I never thought I'd be telling you about it.

About two years ago I would have these odd thoughts pop into my head. I couldn't shake them. All I'm going to tell you is that they were strange and so far from who I am as a person that they would send me into a spiral. I began to obsess over these thoughts. Did this mean I was a bad person? What did God think of this? Why was this happening? It was the most terrifying thing I have ever been through. It sent me down a road of deep depression, anxiety, and obsession. I couldn't stop thinking about it. My brain was in overdrive, constantly going. I couldn't sleep and couldn't eat. At one point I lost 10 pounds. I thought I was going insane. The brain is a powerful thing isn't it?

Have you ever heard of Sisyphus? He was a sinner in Greek mythology who was condemned to Tartarus. He was to spend an eternity rolling a boulder uphill watching it roll back down again. He repeated this over and over, never being able to keep the boulder at the top. That is what I felt like. One day I was doing fine, then an intrusive thought again. Suddenly I was in this hole, consumed by anxiety and depression.

I felt like I was surrounded by walls...all closing in on me. The very life I was living suffocated me. I had to force a smile when I was holding back tears. I couldn't see past the pain. I convinced myself that there was no hope, no life ahead of me, and absolutely no way out. I thought God would leave me like that, that this was just life and I had to endure it. I was mad at Him. Why would he leave me like this? Why couldn't he just pull me out? It wasn't me, not really. How could I live my life like this when it kept me from utilizing what God has given me? Was He listening?

 My faith was shattered and torn. I was in the pit, the worst I had ever been. I didn't want to spend my life like that and began to wonder what my options were. My breaking point finally came. I had to do something. I was tired of crying my eyes out and screaming at the top of my lungs. I didn't want to break down in my car anymore, pleading and begging God to take it away. I wasn't in a position to be patient or trusting because my head space was faulty. I sat in my own personal cell of hopelessness and despair, hiding it from my friends and family in Christ. Nobody could know. Finally, we went to see some professionals. I was diagnosed with OCD, specifically Pure O-CD. Crazy right?

So...what happens next? I guess you'll have to stick around. God Bless, Kendall Roberts.

Part One: Through The Trenches

This part one is going to be covering an experience that changed my life. It sounds dramatic I know. Now whether or not it changed the course of my life, I suppose only God knows that. As many of you know, I was diagnosed with Juvenile Myoclonic Epilepsy. I don't think you ever wake up one day and think that there's a possibility you could be diagnosed with a lifelong condition. I know that I didn't.

It started when I went on a church trip to Tennessee. During my trip I began to sleepwalk but had jerks in my arms and legs, causing me to fall and hit my face on the wall and the bathtub. This continued on for almost two years. It happened usually in the morning time. I would drop plates and fall in the shower and in gas stations (long story :). Because of this I would forget sentences and black out for a split-second. Eventually we had tests done. I did an MRI and an EEG. Nothing. It was because the tests weren't done on sleep deprivation, which would induce the jerks. So we went to a neurologist who diagnosed me with JME without any tests. Typical right?

My type of epilepsy is alot easier to manage, but that doesn't mean I haven't experienced what epilepsy so graciously has to offer. I had my first seizure in April of 2017. Which resulted in the creepy looking eye pictured here:

I've had several since then, but I can't really keep track. I had three more towards the end of 2017 and one at the beginning of 2018. Right now, they're the most controlled they've ever been...and I'm grateful. That doesn't mean I still don't wish things. Wish that things were "normal". Wish that things were easier. Wish that I didn't have to take 50 different pills. Wish that I didn't have to explain my condition to people and eventually future boyfriends. Wish that I didn't have to see and hear others make jokes using the word seizure so lightly. But you know what, we wish alot of things and they may not come true. That's life now isn't it? 

I struggled to find who I was with the Epilepsy. It didn't feel like me. Yet, still I placed my self worth in it. I let it bring so much negative into my life. So much self-doubt and pessimism. I think sometimes we let the world define our self-worth, in whatever form that may be. I wish I could say I've yet to define myself by God's standards, but I haven't. When you go almost your whole life without something like Epilepsy and suddenly it hits you, it takes awhile to adjust. Don't stop trying to find God's opinion of you...and don't stop trying to believe it. 

So that was as short as I could get it. I hope you got through. I won't be going over the positives until the last part of the series in hopes that you will hang on till the end. And I promise, there will be a positive. God Bless, Kendall Roberts.

It's Not Permanent Series: Introduction

We've all got broken pieces. And sometimes no matter how much tape and glue you use, you can't seem to put it back together. Let me tell you, I've definitely got some brokenness inside of me. I'm taking this chance to be honest with you about that brokenness. I have been so hesitant to share this with you because nobody likes being vulnerable. BUT, with everything that I've been through, I have to believe that God wants me to share this so that maybe I can help someone else through their own trials. So, If you're going through something terrible, something that seems so incredibly dark...I know how you feel. Trust me. When I was in the midst of my struggles, I saw no future for myself and the one thing I wanted was to find someone with the same struggles. I wanted to find someone I could relate to because I needed some hope. I couldn't find it on my own, and maybe you can't either. I pray that this reaches someone who needs it. Now, if you haven't been through exactly what I've been through, remember this. Trials are trials. We all need hope and we all need encouragement. So, please, stick around for the next three parts of this series.
                                                                                                                      God Bless, Kendall Roberts

What Harm Could It Do?

It was just one little sin. It didn't hurt anyone. Nobody is going to find out.

Does this sound familiar?

Let's bypass the very fact that there is no such thing as a little sin. God doesn't own a tape measure...just look at Zacchaeus. But those other two comments are the foundation upon which I will build this post. We are sinful beings. That cannot be denied! What we often forget is that God also gave us a conscience, something to help us have a sliver of conviction. It is clear that we don't always put it to good use. But did you know that your conscience can actually be seared? (1 Timothy 4:2) How does this happen and how does it affect you? We will be talking about the searing of the conscience in regards to sin. Here are the origins and the effects.

1. One's conscience becomes seared by exposing oneself to continual sin without repentance or acknowledgement of repentance.
2. The conscience can be seared when one knowingly pushes the influence of the conscience away, ignoring the parts of oneself that know what is right.
3. A searing of the conscience can stem from an exposure to sinful acts and making oneself comfortable in the midst of sin and sinful people.

When the desire to fit in, participate in sin, and to hide sin overpower the awareness of your wrongdoing, you allow Satan to work on your conscience (so to speak), Satan's influence is found in the excuses you make before and after you sin. He is found in the cycle of sin that spirals out of control because you no longer feel any guilt. How do you know your conscience has been subject to evil's influence? 

1. When you make a mistake or participate in something sinful without thinking twice.
2. When your need to hide the sin from your parents has nothing to do with guilt but instead the need to keep sinning.
3. When you have gotten so used to pushing guilt away that you no longer care if what you're doing is wrong.
4. When you have a hard time drawing a line between what is right and wrong because your actions have blurred the mark.
5. When your ability to resist temptation is at a 0 while your ability to give in is at a 10.
6. When you no longer find yourself interested in seeking God or following His will outside of the facade you create in front of certain people.

These are all signs that a conscience has been seared. Now don't get me wrong, many of these things are simply a human response to worldly actions. But in extremes, one's conscience is in serious need of a renewal. So what is so bad about having a seared conscience? I mean, I get to sin without feeling bad about it right? That is true, but what is at stake is your salvation. When one pushes away the guilt and no longer feels it, refuses repentance, and ignores God's will...there are serious consequences.

1. Matthew 4:17
2. Matthew 3:8
3. Isaiah 30:15
4. Luke 5:31-32
5. Acts 3:19
6. Acts 20:21
7. Romans 2:4
8. 2 Corinthians 7:9*
9. Jeremiah 31:19*
10. Revelation 3:3*
11. Revelation 2:5*
12. Romans 2:5*

If you do not read all the verses, please read the ones I have placed a star by. They are telling of what we are intended to do because of the conviction our conscience allows us to have. God Bless.

                                                                                                                          Kendall Roberts.