Part Three: Finish the Race

Before you proceed, I encourage you to read the two previous posts. They provide the foundation for this conclusion. So now you've heard my sob stories! I'll be honest, I was VERY hesitant to share with you, especially Part Two. After going through both deeply saddening and possibly depressing parts of this series, you've finally reached the end. This is where it all ties up.

So first let's address Part One.

 Like I previously stated, I'm still working on finding my worth by God's standards. I don't feel like I've let myself accept my Epilepsy to the full extent, but I'm working on it. I still consider it an uninvited guest. BUT, I know that I can use it for good. Don't let something unsettling and unfair define you. It's hard, I know, because I'm still inching forward bit by bit. When you realize that the world's standards are a lie, you can finally accept the truth that is God's standards. It's not physicality, but spirituality. If you have something happening in your life you feel is unfair or if it's something that upsets the balance of your life and your plans, remember this. 

• Cling to family and friends. Know that the people who truly love you will not care what baggage you have, they will show Christ-like love, understanding, and (if it applies) forgiveness. 
• Take your time, it may require lots of it. Don't let anyone make you feel you have to get over it by tomorrow. 
• Don't let it make you bitter. If you let it, this trial can steal your happiness, self-confidence, and comfort. It's alright to be upset, but don't let it rob you of joy.
• Repeat these verses: Psalm 139:14-16, Philippians 4:19, Proverbs 3:5-6.

Now let's move on to Part Two.

As I said before, I went to see some professionals and was diagnosed with OCD. They put me on medication and, luckily, we got it right the first time. I was so hesitant to take pills because there was such a stigma surrounding the simple idea of taking them. So yes, I am taking pills for my mental health and you know what? I'm glad. I am so so so thankful God led me through. Despite my anger and impatience and constant doubt, He showed me that He will deliver on HIS time...not mine. So if you're going through something tough and you think you can't do it or make it...remember...I'VE BEEN THERE. Please hear me when I say that I HAVE BEEN THERE. I thought my life was over and that my future was filled with the darkness I was surrounded with. Don't EVER give up. If you think getting help or seeing a doctor means you're crazy...you're wrong. It was the best thing I could've ever done. I still see a counselor (also one of the best things I've ever done). I still have checkups. And I love my life again.

• Get help. If you need help...get some help. Whether it's seeking out a friend or family member you can trust, or a mental health professional, just take a chance and seek it out.
• Remember you are not alone. You are not the only person on the face of this earth who has dealt with what you're dealing with. Keep that in mind. 
• God knows and understands everything. He understands how hard it is. Ecclesiastes 1:9.
• He never said it would be easy, but faith is everything. Your faith may not be big, it actually may be small, but faith as small as a mustard seed can move mountains. Matthew 17:20.
• It's OK to fall apart. It's OK to break down, just don't let it take everything away from you. You have to maintain some sort of strength to move forward.
• You're going to feel alone and scared. You're will doubt everything, but God doesn't doubt you. You can get through if you let yourself trust Him. Obey Him and keep him first in your struggles. Doing that will allow God to show you His grace and power. 
• Read Psalm 46:1-3, Proverbs 18:10, Nehemiah 8:10, Isaiah 41:10, Exodus 15:2, Psalm 9:9-10, Psalm 32:7-8, Deuteronomy 31:8.
• Read the Bible. Read the Bible. Read the Bible!

I want you to know that you can do it. You may not be able to see past it and that may not feel OK, but sometimes you have to feel your way through that dark until you find the light again. I love you. God loves you. If you need to talk, I'm here. Message me through Facebook or through my email : karoberts98@gmail.com. God Bless, Kendall Roberts.

Part Two: Uphill Climb

For part two of this series we are going to explore the darkest point of my life. I hope that no judgement will be placed on me for what I'm going to talk about in detail...but to each his own. You remember when I talked about our brokenness? This is my true brokenness. Some of it so personal, I never thought I'd be telling you about it.

About two years ago I would have these odd thoughts pop into my head. I couldn't shake them. All I'm going to tell you is that they were strange and so far from who I am as a person that they would send me into a spiral. I began to obsess over these thoughts. Did this mean I was a bad person? What did God think of this? Why was this happening? It was the most terrifying thing I have ever been through. It sent me down a road of deep depression, anxiety, and obsession. I couldn't stop thinking about it. My brain was in overdrive, constantly going. I couldn't sleep and couldn't eat. At one point I lost 10 pounds. I thought I was going insane. The brain is a powerful thing isn't it?

Have you ever heard of Sisyphus? He was a sinner in Greek mythology who was condemned to Tartarus. He was to spend an eternity rolling a boulder uphill watching it roll back down again. He repeated this over and over, never being able to keep the boulder at the top. That is what I felt like. One day I was doing fine, then an intrusive thought again. Suddenly I was in this hole, consumed by anxiety and depression.

I felt like I was surrounded by walls...all closing in on me. The very life I was living suffocated me. I had to force a smile when I was holding back tears. I couldn't see past the pain. I convinced myself that there was no hope, no life ahead of me, and absolutely no way out. I thought God would leave me like that, that this was just life and I had to endure it. I was mad at Him. Why would he leave me like this? Why couldn't he just pull me out? It wasn't me, not really. How could I live my life like this when it kept me from utilizing what God has given me? Was He listening?

 My faith was shattered and torn. I was in the pit, the worst I had ever been. I didn't want to spend my life like that and began to wonder what my options were. My breaking point finally came. I had to do something. I was tired of crying my eyes out and screaming at the top of my lungs. I didn't want to break down in my car anymore, pleading and begging God to take it away. I wasn't in a position to be patient or trusting because my head space was faulty. I sat in my own personal cell of hopelessness and despair, hiding it from my friends and family in Christ. Nobody could know. Finally, we went to see some professionals. I was diagnosed with OCD, specifically Pure O-CD. Crazy right?

So...what happens next? I guess you'll have to stick around. God Bless, Kendall Roberts.

Part One: Through The Trenches

This part one is going to be covering an experience that changed my life. It sounds dramatic I know. Now whether or not it changed the course of my life, I suppose only God knows that. As many of you know, I was diagnosed with Juvenile Myoclonic Epilepsy. I don't think you ever wake up one day and think that there's a possibility you could be diagnosed with a lifelong condition. I know that I didn't.

It started when I went on a church trip to Tennessee. During my trip I began to sleepwalk but had jerks in my arms and legs, causing me to fall and hit my face on the wall and the bathtub. This continued on for almost two years. It happened usually in the morning time. I would drop plates and fall in the shower and in gas stations (long story :). Because of this I would forget sentences and black out for a split-second. Eventually we had tests done. I did an MRI and an EEG. Nothing. It was because the tests weren't done on sleep deprivation, which would induce the jerks. So we went to a neurologist who diagnosed me with JME without any tests. Typical right?

My type of epilepsy is alot easier to manage, but that doesn't mean I haven't experienced what epilepsy so graciously has to offer. I had my first seizure in April of 2017. Which resulted in the creepy looking eye pictured here:

I've had several since then, but I can't really keep track. I had three more towards the end of 2017 and one at the beginning of 2018. Right now, they're the most controlled they've ever been...and I'm grateful. That doesn't mean I still don't wish things. Wish that things were "normal". Wish that things were easier. Wish that I didn't have to take 50 different pills. Wish that I didn't have to explain my condition to people and eventually future boyfriends. Wish that I didn't have to see and hear others make jokes using the word seizure so lightly. But you know what, we wish alot of things and they may not come true. That's life now isn't it? 

I struggled to find who I was with the Epilepsy. It didn't feel like me. Yet, still I placed my self worth in it. I let it bring so much negative into my life. So much self-doubt and pessimism. I think sometimes we let the world define our self-worth, in whatever form that may be. I wish I could say I've yet to define myself by God's standards, but I haven't. When you go almost your whole life without something like Epilepsy and suddenly it hits you, it takes awhile to adjust. Don't stop trying to find God's opinion of you...and don't stop trying to believe it. 

So that was as short as I could get it. I hope you got through. I won't be going over the positives until the last part of the series in hopes that you will hang on till the end. And I promise, there will be a positive. God Bless, Kendall Roberts.

It's Not Permanent Series: Introduction

We've all got broken pieces. And sometimes no matter how much tape and glue you use, you can't seem to put it back together. Let me tell you, I've definitely got some brokenness inside of me. I'm taking this chance to be honest with you about that brokenness. I have been so hesitant to share this with you because nobody likes being vulnerable. BUT, with everything that I've been through, I have to believe that God wants me to share this so that maybe I can help someone else through their own trials. So, If you're going through something terrible, something that seems so incredibly dark...I know how you feel. Trust me. When I was in the midst of my struggles, I saw no future for myself and the one thing I wanted was to find someone with the same struggles. I wanted to find someone I could relate to because I needed some hope. I couldn't find it on my own, and maybe you can't either. I pray that this reaches someone who needs it. Now, if you haven't been through exactly what I've been through, remember this. Trials are trials. We all need hope and we all need encouragement. So, please, stick around for the next three parts of this series.
                                                                                                                      God Bless, Kendall Roberts