My Narrative

"The author François de la Rochefoucauld wrote, “We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves.”

I am a very complicated individual.

I am a realist and have a hard time looking on the bright side.
I tend to think worst-case-scenario. 
And although you'd think I'm a glass-half-empty, I'm actually just a glass-half-filled-to-the-middle. 
And despite my tendency to be hard on myself, I am capable of giving really good advice, because intrinsically I know that I have survived 100% of my worst days and that means that there is always hope. 

I have been through things. 
And even though the bruises, stitches, staples, glue, and broken arm were just mundane little accidents, they prepared me for the future.
They prepared me for the 2nd and 3rd degree burns, epilepsy, anxiety, depression, and OCD, which managed to break me down into an unrecognizable, inoperative human being.
But then they built me up, because now I can say "I have been through worse".

I am a trooper. 
It was through all of those struggles that I found out how to relate to the pain of others. 
I can share my story openly, without much hesitation. 
It's better to be honest, than to pretend you can't relate. That person might need your story as much as you need to share it. 

I love children, but I don't want kids.
My epilepsy and mental health struggles could be genetic. 
How would I feel if my kid developed my condition/s? 
Also, the 3 different medications I'm on could pose a threat to the child...and if I'm not on them...well that's a danger to me.
So when you tell me I will change my mind...I want to tell you that it's unlikely.

I am insecure. 
Like most people, there are things about myself I don't like. 
Lately, I doubt my intelligence. 
Lately, I doubt my own capabilities.
Lately, I doubt that someone will accept me at my current weight because I think I was cuter in High School.
Lately, I doubt. 
But I choose not to doubt God's faith in me. 
I choose not to doubt His plan for me. 

I'm very indecisive.
It'll take me an hour to pick out a movie and then I'll end up falling asleep.

My favorite color changes but is currently yellow.
I don't have a favorite genre of music, so when someone asks me what I listen to, I say a little bit of everything.
My favorite movie changes on a monthly basis.

I am hypocritical at times and maybe even a little judgmental.
I hold grudges too and I know that's wrong. 
I care too much and too little, depending on the situation.
I get disappointed easily when others let me down.
I have high expectations, and I've yet to figure out if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

I've hurt people, intentionally and unintentionally.
And I regret them both. 

I am scared to take risks because I am too comfortable in what is familiar.
This is due, in part, to people having preconceived ideas about who I am. 
People assume I'm not the "sporty" type, but I once scored seven 3-pointers in a row just because a basketball coach assumed I wasn't any good. 
I chose not to play because he told me I shouldn't. 
I still regret not trying. 
So when you think that I'm just academic-minded, please give me time to prove I'm more.

People assume I'm spoiled and soft. 
But I can shoot guns and help my dad skin a deer. 
I can have a seizure and pick myself up.
My depression will kick in and my body will ache, but I'll pick myself up.

I love driving through town with my windows down and the music up.
I love fall.
I hate the heat.
I don't tan very well (my version of tan is everyone else's version of white). 
I can cook like nobody's business, but I don't like to cook for other people because I'm too critical of myself.

I'm serious, but I can be funny.
I'm not naturally bubbly or smiley, but when I'm confident in myself, I'm a completely different person.

I say things I shouldn't when angry. 
I've said things about people and when it got out, I was embarrassed, mortified, and wished I could take it back. 
And then I learned.

I choose to expect the worst out of situations and from people so I won't be disappointed. 
The truth is, I'm usually a little disappointed anyway.

I'm a perfectionist and a control freak.
I'd rather do it all myself and get it right, then let someone else help and get it only partly right. 

I procrastinate. 

I want to travel the world and take pictures of it all. 

I look back at pictures from High School and kick myself for thinking I was fat when I weighed 130 pounds.
So here's a tip: appreciate where you are now. 
And when someone who cares about you tells you you're not fat...try your best to believe them. 

I love to roller-skate.
And I'm pretty good at it. 
I love to sing.
I used to do it all the time, but now mostly in church.
I love photography.
I am not a huge sports fan, unless it's my home town.
Not a math person.
I reminisce on the past much more than I look forward to the future. 
I've been single for 20 years, almost 21.
I used to collect bugs, but now they freak me out. 
I only eat ketchup with fries and it has to have half a shaker of pepper in it. 
I've only been on one date in my entire life. 
I have not and will never drink alcohol.
I love to argue...I mean, have intelligent, civil discussions. 

There are a lot of things that I'm not. 
But I'm loyal.
If I care about you, I'll always have your back.
I stick to my guns.
My morals and beliefs aren't things to be compromised.
I love my family.
I love God.
And I say "I love you" more than most people would. 
I know that I'm smart, even if right now I don't feel like it. 
I know it takes a while to figure me out. 
Inside my rough exterior there is a person who cares about things too much.
I notice the little things and expect other people to notice them too.
I hold on too tight. But I'd rather care until it hurts, then not care at all. 

Don't feel like you're alone in your complexity. The best way to discover more about the human condition is to look inside yourself first. You are a contributing factor to human nature. So, if you ever feel like the way you operate and think is beyond comprehension...you're wrong. There will always be two things that tie you to someone else. You are not alone in your tendency to be misunderstood. And you're a child of God, which means you have a purpose. Use your gifts for His good and you will feel understood and loved beyond measure. God knows who you are and He still loves you. So, change what needs to be changed according to His word, but don't ever think that He won't love you until you're perfect, because that isn't the way God operates. 

Stop Empowering the Past

We all know the verse. Romans 3:23, "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God," (NKJV). No matter how many times you've heard this verse, the meaning still carries relevance. We have all made mistakes. We have all sinned. The question is, how do you move on from those mistakes which seem to alter your life? Guilt and regret are powerful emotions. Ones that could eat us up from the inside if we let them. But, how will you use those emotions? To help you go down a different road or to prohibit you from moving forward in God's grace?

I've made some tremendous mistakes. Embarrassing mistakes. And I know that I am not alone in this. But with all the mistakes that I've made, I have somehow managed to learn how to move forward. This learning process took place by taking into account the advice of older and wiser individuals and through the knowledge gained by sitting in a counselor's office. So here's some thoughts from a 20 year old girl who continues to mess up, someone who continues to fall short, but also someone who knows that God's grace is available to those who choose to take hold of it.

Your starting point is coming to terms with the mistake. In other words...

• Have you recognized the fault in the sin? I'm sure you have or you wouldn't be calling it a mistake. 
• Have you asked for forgiveness? I hope the answer is yes. The most important step in moving forward is to confess your sin to God and ask forgiveness for it. There is no true healing without honesty and vulnerability. 
• Accept that there is no changing the past, which leads to knowing that you don't have to keep reliving it. There is no use in steeping in shame and guilt when:

1. You have already come to terms with the sin and mistake you've made. 
2. God grants forgiveness.

Guilt is debilitating. So now it's time to move forward. Forgive yourself. The key to this is to stop replaying that sin over and over. Stop letting it control you. This exercise I'm about to mention has been very helpful for me. Embracing God's grace and forgiveness is hard to do when you can't stop blaming yourself. So, every time you find yourself focusing on it, picture the cross and its power instead. Imagine that you put that sin away in a closet. Every time you go to open the door...picture the cross and the sacrifice He made for you. The sacrifice that atones for all your sins and mistakes. Focus on His forgiveness.

This last part is what is most telling of what is in one's heart. The turning point. What will you do with your life now that you've accepted what cannot be changed? Now that you've hopefully forgiven yourself for what is in the past, how do you take a turn for the better? 

• Start by making an effort to turn away from what is keeping you shackled to that mistake. Whether that be specific environments, friends/relationships, or reminders you find through social media.
• Get involved in your church group. Reach out to someone and let them know you need accountability and let them know that you want to make a difference in your life. You don't have to share all of your feelings and struggles right off the bat if you don't want to, but just know that there is usually someone who will listen if you do decide to do that. 
• Choose to rid your life of the things that pull you back into a pattern of sin. If that means you have to cut out social media, end a toxic relationship/friendship, or rely on someone to help you choose Christ over the world...then do it. 

Here's the thing. Coming to terms with your human nature, with your brokenness...is difficult. But once you understand that God already knows you in your entirety...and still offers grace and forgiveness, you can live freely in Christ's sacrifice. Don't let your mistakes determine what path you follow. Instead, determine the path you follow because of your mistakes. Either become a prisoner to your guilt and shame...or learn from it. It's up to you.

Giving the past power over you keeps you from fulfilling your purpose. I believe God has a plan for those who choose to follow His will. So, stop empowering your past and start investing in your future.

Here are some verses to help you in your race:

1. 1 John 1:9
2. Psalm 86:5
3. Colossians 3:13
4. Isaiah 43:25
5. Acts 3:19
6. Isaiah 1:18
7. 2 Corinthians 5:17
8. Ephesians 1:7
9. Hebrews 10:17
10. Daniel 9:9
11. Psalm 103:12